“From the concert of life, no one receives a program” 

This title is a Dutch saying that used to often hang on an old-fashioned tile on the kitchen wall.

The expression “Life Doesn’t Come with a Program” means that life is full of surprises and unpredictable events. Just like at a concert where you don’t know in advance exactly how it will unfold or what to expect, the same goes for life. People make plans, but ultimately it is not possible to anticipate or control everything. It reminds us to be open to what life offers us, both positive and negative experiences.

When I was in shock after the announcement of my divorce, my friend Kristina said to me, “What doesn’t kill you makes you funnier.” At that moment in my life, I wasn’t at all ready to see my divorce as an opportunity for growth. But Kristina’s remark gave me hope and a sense of gentleness towards myself. It felt as though I was given permisssion to feel lost, to stumble and to occasionally act foolishly. I didn’t have a “program” to get through this difficult phase of my life.

I ordered a few books on “how to have a good divorce,” but they only partially applied to my situation. What I truly longed for was less a guidebook and more the warmth of human connection: people who listened to me, gave me honest feedback, and expressed their confidence in my ability to find my own wisdom. People who had the patience to listen to my sometimes chaotic stories, who heard me slip back into the victim role, encouraged my emotions, and subtly helped me transform my unhelpful thoughts into more helpful ones. People who lovingly pointed out the patterns (stemming from my past) that held me back and the new patterns that would give me more energy and zest for life.

Looking back, I see these people as kind of conductors in the concert of my life. Not the directive conductor who waves the baton with authority, but loving conductors on the sidelines who whispered to me when the volume could be turned up and when it should be turned down. Where the accents should lie. Where a slower tempo was suitable and an upbeat pace was needed.

I still don’t have a program for the rest of my life. However, I have learned that being able to move along, even dance, with the things that happen in my life is incredibly liberating. What is good and what is wrong, really? I have decided to fail gracefully: I listen to my feelings and dare to express them, even if I can’t completely justify them. When I have negative thoughts, I ask myself, “Is it (absolutely) true?” I give myself recognition when I act according to my own values (and try to make myself less dependent on the recognition of others – still working on it). I am kinder to myself when I make mistakes, and I laugh at myself more often. I dance to my own concert openly sharing my joy for life with others.